Back in the saddle again!

Hello everyone!

Well, I think it has been over a month since I have published anything on this blog sight. My motto is "slow progress is better than NO progress"! :o)

I am partnering with my two friends in weight watching and exercising. This is day 3...my goal this week is to journal everyday. So, far so good! I haven't eaten perfectly, but at least I am holding myself accountable!

Exercising is the next hurdle. I have had a lot of pain in my back and shoulder so I am finding it uncomfortable to workout...I think my lack of activity is contributing to this pain. I pray that I God will grant me the strength I need to do what needs to be done!

I am realizing that this all about my willingness to surrender to the Lord. I can not do this on my own. The Bible promises that in my weakness He will be the strength that is needed. Any success that happens will be all for His glory. I have tried and tried and tried...with NO success at all. This is not something I can do. It has got to be all God.

In saying that, I wonder, what does it mean if there is still no success? Does God want to leave me this way? Is it simply my fault again...not being able to truly turn things over to God. This is where the frustration with my weight problem begins. I start over analyzing everything and then...I want to eat something! What a terrible vicious cycle!

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I like this prayer, but really it will not be me changing anything. I think I need to spend more time with my Father...getting to know Him better, and letting Him show me who I am in His eyes. I know that is scary for me...I don't like what I am afraid I will see--short comings.

Well, that is enough of my rattling thoughts for now. I will be back again before a month has past. God bless us in our endeavours!

Workout

So I workout with the boys in the gym. It wasn't the most relaxing workout, but I still burned 350 calories. The boys found the water cooler and spilled a river of water on the floor, and pulled 2 foam things off the weight machine. O'well, I worked out. I hope tomorrow I will have a babysitter for 30 minutes. :) Nothing is going to stop me from loosing this weight and getting in shape. Even if I have to take them with me every time. Don't worry I will take them in the double stroller and then it is just Sammy who has to sit still. He can do that.

Another great sweet treat I love is Jello brand sugar-free pudding cups. Only 60 calories and they are so good. My favorite is the carmel one. Yummy and all the chocolate ones. I am very open to any suggestions for low calorie, low carbohydrate snacks. I love chocolate if you couldn't tell. (Low carb is considered less than 15 carbs per serving for me as a diabetic.) Thanks for your help.

Keep it up

I have been really working at my weight loss again for two full days, and here we are on day three. It has been a struggle and it seems harder today for some reason. I haven't given in, but I keep thinking about chocolate and ice cream (also the french bread we have sitting in our kitchen left over from last night.) I want to go workout so that I can get it out of the way, but I have a little problem, three little kidos that have no one to watch them. :) I am debating about taking them over to our gym and seeing if they can survive 30 minutes in there with me. There is a TV with cable and I think it even has a DVD player. I want to not have any excuses. And yesterday when I waited to workout at 5pm, I was already so tired and hungry for dinner. It made it much harder to get my full 30 minutes done, but I did it!!! I have been averaging about 2000 calories a day. I need to cut it down even more, but I don't know where to start. I have cut back a lot, I can't even imagine how many calories I was eating. All I know is I loved it when I was loosing weight and my clothes started to get loose and I had more energy, I could really use that right now. More than anything, I loved that I actually was loosing the weight. Even though I had the opposite reaction to loosing weight with my diabetes, my blood sugars went crazy high. I don't care even if it happens again. I will be healthier and happier if I am much thinner. I need to loose about 130 pounds at least. Right now I am going to work on the 30 pounds. Thank the Lord for sugar-free Jello!!! I love it, and it helps me in my moments of weakness, well that and cool whip. I also love the Atkins bars. Only a few of them are super great though. The one that is covered in peanuts, the coconut one and the chocolate covered carmel and peanuts one. They taste like real candy bars and they have helped me a lot. They are low and carbohydrates, so they keep my blood sugar down. Lately I have been experimenting with kettle corn too. Well, I think I am going to give working out with these monkeys a shot. I will let you all know how it goes.

Finally DOWN

This is a really quick post just to say that I have lost 3 lbs. this week! It is a small start. I have been much more active this week. If I continue AND get my eating under control...next week looks to be very promising! I will be out of town for a big convention...I will have to make some definate plans before leaving on that trip.

More to come...

I did it!!!

I made it through the entire day without any candy. I even worked out this morning and my blood sugars have been low. I am so glad. I will save money on insulin and be healthier. Even when my blood sugar was really low and I needed something sweet to bring it back up, I took glucose tablets and waited for them to take effect, as apposed to stuffing my face. Tomorrow I hope for an even easier time avoiding the sweets and exercising. I am going to have to work on cutting the calories more. I ate about 2100 calories today, minus 399 calories working out. I want to be closer to 1500 calories. Fight the fat and burst the bubble.

No more sweets!!!

All the candy and sweets are gone from my house. Well, just about. We have a few cookies left, and some egg nog, but I have a feeling that TJ my dear sweet hubby will eat whats left when he gets home tonight. I just keep noticing how many parts of my life need work. Right now I must concentrate on finances and my weight. I see how these two areas of my life are connected. I realize that this is going to be difficult for a few days, but I do believe that it will get easier everyday. Tomorrow I plan to make a big batch of sugar-free jello first thing in the morning. I also plan to go work out nice and early and get it down with and out of the way. If it is nice enough I will take my boys to the park. They love the park and I love it for two reasons. First, it keeps me away from munching on food all day, and second, my house doesn't get messy from them playing. I feel very optimistic about sticking with this eating plan. That is easy to say as I sit here finishing off all the jelly belly's I have on hand. This is the best time to do this though, because I don't have any money to buy anymore. LOL That is great news. I am also going to work on making the older kids go into their room earlier in the evening so I have the chance to unwind before going to bed. All the jelly belly's are gone!!! Don't worry there weren't to many to start with. Tomorrow it is all about apples, exercise and not spending money. Whoo hoo!!! I can do this. Watch out jello.

The Plan

It is always easy for me to look back at the day and see everything that I ate wrong. Maybe because I am stuffed full of junk. Tomorrow is Sunday, and that means doughnuts and muffins and hot cocoa as temptations at church. Last week I was very proud that I made it through the morning without giving in. Tomorrow I plan to do the same. I also know that TJ is home until 2:30 and that means no excuses for not working out. It may even help me in other areas, like frustration and getting time to myself. I plan to go to my gym for 30 minutes tomorrow. I may not spend the entire time on the torture machine, but I will spend some time on it. I am beginning to feel a strange pain in my hands and my feet that I know can only be caused from bad blood sugars. But as I get my life in order including my budget I hope that it will help me feel the motivation I felt last year when I was first diagnosed. It was easy for me to make the excuse last year that I was doing it for my baby, but what about me? It is time to do this for me. I feel encouraged every time I talk to someone who has had diabetes but they lost the weight and it went away. I want that to be me. I just hope that some of the problems with my blood sugars is attributed to me seizure medication. To a better tomorrow.....

Baby Steps

Starting this journey, I knew the road would be a long one. I am nearing the end of my first week and I have to say my weight hasn't changed any...YET! I have been to the gym 4 times, though. I went to a couple of challenging classes. As I write this my sides and shoulders are sore from working them out. It is a good feeling.

I have lied to myself a couple times this week. I have told myself that I have made really good choices so that means I deserve a special treat...of course that is something sweet for me. I am admitting this to you all now. I have been dishonest! I am going to be truthful with myself today. Every bite of food that I put into my mouth matters...even the ones that I convince myself "I earned" by working out or eating right yesterday. I would rather reward myself by fitting into the cute pants I bought at Old Navy that have NEVER fit me. They are laying over the back of the chair in my room with the tags still on.

I have also lied to myself about my responsibilities. This is very scary for me to write about. If I keep ignoring the truth, I won't have to face the hard work I need to do. Of course, the hard work is always less daunting than I make it in my mind. The fact is, the work that needs to be done is urgent. In a time like this, when the economy is uncertain and jobs are dissolving before our eyes, I need to work even harder to keep the job that I have. If something changes, and my job is lost, I don't want to look back and say that maybe I could have saved it if I had worked harder!

These are the things I need to do:
1. Follow-up with the teachers I met in my travels this month.
2. Prepare my Safety Workshop presentation.
3. Prepare my Quick Demos Workshop presentation and hand-outs.
4. Read the research articles I have gathered and summarize their content.

Each task in itself feels insurmountable to me at this point. I don't know where I am going to find the energy and gumption to do what needs to be done. This, like my weight loss, can only be conquered one day at a time.

I don't know that this post has been inspirational to anyone, but words of support would be much appreciated by me :o) After all, this is really my online journal. It feels good to get these things out. When I read them over later, it will help me gain the perspective that I need.

Thanks for reading...

As I am sitting here thinking about all the food that overpowered me today, I think that it was almost a year to the day that I was diagnosed with diabetes. Of course the diagnoses last year was a little different because I was pregnant and the time, but I still have the diabetes. I remember being surprised how quick I was able to stop eating what I shouldn't and eat right. My blood sugars were very much in control, and I felt very good about it. After my glucose tolerance test on March 5, 2008 to discover that I was still a diabetic after my son was born, I had a little pouting time and then I got back on track again. I did good all summer. Then in July and August I started having trouble with my blood sugars. They went from low hundreds (where they should be) to 300 and sometime 400. I was eating right and exercising daily. I felt so discouraged. I had lost 40 pounds, but then I gave in one time to those stupid ice cream treats they sell at Sonic, and I just keep having problems. It's not just the calories that I have to watch, it's the carbohydrates too. I want so desperately to loose all this weight, for the diabetes to disappear and for me to go on living a carefree life with food. I realize that it is not going to be that simple. I need to be able to not think about food all the time, and to exercise daily and stay away from certain foods. I just keep praying that I will get it. I will keep trying. Even know I have put on about 15 pounds that I lost over the summer, I have got to remember that I need to fight the fat. It’s not just that I want to be skinny. It is first and for most that I want to be healthy. I also do not want my boys to see a mother who just sits there and can’t do anything because she is to heavy. I want to active and have fun!!! God help me to get this right. I know I am to weak to do this by myself, but I know you are strong enough to do it for me.

One Day at a Time

My daily stats:

calories eaten: 1,329
calories burned: 300
Still 3 glasses of water and an evening snack to go. I must say that this was a good day for me.


Thank goodness for the little accomplishments in this day. I am feeling more and more in control of things. I love that I actually journaled my food and calories today. It isn't perfect, but I am getting there. I am so thankful that I got to spend time with my good friend at coffee today...and that I was able to make a good choice when ordering! Companionship is food for the soul. Without it these goals I have set for myself would be much more daunting.

Tomorrow is a very busy, run-around-town, kinda day for me. In the PAST, this has meant fast food and soda in the car. Right now I am committing to not having that kind of a day. At lunch I will sit and eat a smart meal. I will take water with me in the car. As I make this commitment now, I am jumping the gun. I have enough strength to complete this day...making promises for tomorrow is not always a good idea. I will decide when I get up in the morning. I pray that I will have the strength then to do the right things.

I also pray that anyone else reading this will take a moment to affirm your commitments for THIS day. If it has been a tough day up until now, that's okay...make a decision about how the remaining hours are going to go. What will YOU do? I hope that you remember that you are the only one who you can control. When you try and force others to fit your agenda, you are only giving them control over you...kind of ironic really. Change yourself for the right reasons. If you don't know what those reasons are, take a moment to ask God to help you see the reasons. If others take notice of the things you are doing and follow, they will be blessed. Be bold in telling others what you need. Don't back down when you don't feel they respect what you have asked for. Be kind in reminding them that what they are doing to sabotage you is hurtful. The people who love us the most sometimes wound us the deepest. I don't know why this is...maybe because they are struggling with their own self realization.

The Road Less Traveled

I was reminded by my fellow "loser" today of the frustrations that come from going this weight-loss, life-changing, self-assessing road alone. It brought to mind the simple words of wisdom that were published by Robert Frost at the beginning of the 20th century:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the 'one less traveled' by,
And that has made all the difference.

http://www.geocities.com/paris/leftbank/2940/frost8.html

It would be easier to follow the crowd and give into the temptations that we face everyday. Drifting along with the tides doesn't take much strength at all, I imagine. But in doing so, we atrophy and waste away into nothing. It is those who swim up stream in bold determination of attaining the prize they seek who's muscles are strong and well toned. They have faced set backs and have overcome, therefore, their faith and hope prevail in times of trouble. These are the ones who have much to give to those around them, the ones who know what really matters in life, and the ones who know how to be patient with others who are still drifting.

The road "less traveled by" may look small, rocky and lonely when standing at the fork. I know for myself, this is the path that I want to be on. I would rather grow in character and strength on a challenging path than be pushed along in "traffic" on the highway that offers no challenge--no change. The beauty I see on the path is that there are a few others there, too. Now that I have ventured along a short ways, I am finding that there are many more than I expected. Even more thrilling than that, these are people with a strong character and positive attitude...they are the vision of the person I want to become. I can also tell that this is the path that Jesus was on. I can't think of anyone else who I would rather be like than Him.

Travel this road with me. It is about so much more than just losing weight, looking better, feeling better or regaining lost health. I am on my way to becoming someone who can really make a difference in this world instead of just passively standing by and watching the time tick away. I love me too much to waste the person I am on doing nothing.

Apple Hill

Change is beginning and everywhere there are brilliant bursts of orange, red, gold and brown nestled amongst the rich greens of the oaks and pines. Leaves rustle as the breeze stirs them and I am transported back to when I was small and the world was perfect and secure all the time. Close your eyes, take in a deep breath and experience the aroma of the home-baked goodness wafting out of the cozy little farm house bakeries. There are families and farmers as far as the eye can see. The brilliant colors of the pumpkin patches warm and welcome all visitors on a crisp fall morning. The California sunshine spills in over the hills awakening everything as it floods the apple-filled canyons. Children, parents, grandparents and friends are all buzzing from orchard to orchard in celebration of the changing season.

Thank you, God, for a day filled with fun and wonder. Watching my child enjoy this region as much as I do is priceless. Spending time creating memories with my parents is a gift from you. On this occasion I find it amazing that I wasn't obsessed with the food at the event. There were so many other things to stimulate my senses. My next meal was the least of my concerns. That in itself, it a small miracle in my life. My desire is that I will begin to see the wonder in the people and places that surround me and that this will help free me from my need to use food as my one source of entertainment. There are so many other ways to celebrate the season that involve no food at all!

Change is in the air in more ways than one. Of course, the leaves are changing, the air is cooling and the holidays are coming! I am thankful for the change of heart that is taking place, too. I truly and deeply desire a permanent life change to begin to manifest itself in me...as a woman, as a parent, as a sister, as a daughter, and as a friend. My selfish, self-destructive days are coming to an end. I want to be the woman God has called me to be. Life is much too short to waste time feeling imprisoned in my own body. My outward appearance is not an accurate reflection of who I am inside.

Thank you for reading...more to come. :o)

Any Great Journey Begins with a Single Step...

I'm attempting a fun and hopefully inspirational way to help myself loose the weight that I so desperately need to loose. I find myself so inspired by the things I see and read on my friends' blogs and webpages that I thought this might help get the ball rolling again for me.

This is an online journal of my journey to good health and a strong body that I can feel proud of. My thoughts posted here are going to be very candid and honest. I will not edit their content...I am tired of saying what I think I should say about my weight, health and body image. I have created a monster in me because I feel that I can not be honest about who I am or what I really enjoy in life. I can tell already that this is going to be a spiritual journey, too.

If you are reading these comments, please help by leaving a word of encouragement. Please know that I hope that your journey is going the way God intends it to go...